We aren’t the champions
January 23, 2008
Picture
the scene: Tiger Woods has won yet another golf tournament. He’s been followed round
the entire course by cheering fans and well-wishers for the entire time. His opponents
have played valiantly - nay brilliantly - and given him a real run for his money,
but ultimately he has triumphed.
He
steps up to receive his trophy in front of the asse
mb
led press, turns
to the cameras and says: “You are nothing to me. You are all losers and turds. I am
the best in the world, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I get bored playing on my
own I wouldn’t even acknowledge you exist.” He then throws his clubs to the ground
and strops off muttering to himself about how totally rubbish everyone is apart from
him.
Then
we turn over to BBC2 and find six-time snooker World Champion,
Steve Davis
, watching his
opponent pot the final black against him in a frame. He turns to the camera and mouths
the word “C**T” before spitting at the lens; his fat lugie slowly sliding down millions
of screens nationwide…
Now
let me make it perfectly clear that neither of these events actually took place -
nor do I imagine they ever would - and that’s the point about REAL champions. They
aren’t just champions in their chosen discipline; they are champions in life. It’s
easy for us to see this because of how they behave outside their arenas; i.e. how
they respect their contemporaries and how they carry themselves day to day.
Oh,
and then there is
Phil
Hellmuth. Yes,
Phil
‘Poker Brat’
Hellmuth. A man who appears to derive no joy from the millions of dollars he’s made
both on and off the table. A man who is never content enough to simply sit and ‘be’.
A man who has to berate and insult ordinary decent folk during a GAME OF CARDS to
feel like a real man.
I
recently watched a WSOP show in disbelief as Hellmuth proceeded to blast anyone who
appeared to be able to eve
n v
aguely play
back at him; spitting insults, criticising every move, and referring to anyone with
less than 11 bracelets as mere “internet players”. After being patronised twenty times
(and being continually called “kid” by Hellmuth) one player on the table - Ben Fineman
- ventured, “
Phil
, we’ve been
playing each other for days now. Do you even know my name?”
Every
time Hellmuth was all-in (or up against an all-in) he would parade for the cameras;
showboating and negotiating insurance with a spectating
Phil
Ivey, regardless
of the poor schmuck sitting waiting for the circus to end so that he could find out
if he was still in the tournament or not. Imagine what
Phil
would do if
you made him wait five minutes while you dicked about before the flop was dealt? He’d
explode!
At
one point Ben Fineman called an all-in with A-K against Dustin Holmes’ K-10 only to
watch as Dustin rivered trip tens. If that had been Hellmuth just imagine how much
of the level would have been wasted while he blarted curses into the sky like some
angry poker trumpet. All Ben did was turn to a sheepish-looking Dustin and say “Don’t
sweat it buddie”, before sitting down and carrying on with the game. Now THAT’S how
you behave at a poker table.
And
then there’s
Phil
’s exit hand.
He raises with Ac-10c and Beth Shak calls with Kh-Qh. The flop comes 10-Q-x and Beth
shoves all-in.
Phil
calls and when
he sees that he has the worst hand, does he acknowledge that he has made a mistake?
Oh no - it’s HER fault!! “I can’t believe she called!” he bleats. “How can she call!?”
Well
Phil
, maybe it’s
the fact that she was in the big blind, was getting 2.5-1 on her money, and then flopped
top pair! And the thing is, we KNOW that Hellmuth knows this, so his wining is even
more pitiful to behold.
I’d
love to think that it’s all just for the cameras, but I clearly isn’t - he really
is that much of a moron! Hellmuth is the kind of person that I pray no one watches
on TV and wants to be like. Want his success? Of course. Want his personality? Christ
no. Personally, I want to be like Ben Fineman, who proved to me that just because
you have to sit next to a total i
mb
ecile like Hellmuth
doesn’t mean you have to act like him.
I
go back to my very first thoughts in this entry. Go on: chose any sport and think
of a champion from that sport. Now try to imagine them behaving the way Hellmuth does.
Roger
Federer smashing some kid in the face with his racket? Alex Furguson calling Wenger
a w****r live on Match of the Day? Johny Wilkinson drop-kicking a toddler into touch
if he loses? It’s just not going to happen is it…
So
why, then, is
Phil
Hellmuth allowed
to act in such a rude, insulting, pathetic way without penalty? Burn him - I say -
and burn his face first (metaphorically-speaking of course - I have to add for legal
reasons). Anyway, thanks for listening. I feel much better now.
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